The M'Muldroch Manuscripts - Muldroch of the Meal Girnel
The M'Muldroch Manuscripts
Muldroch of the Meal Girnel
The McMuldroch's are a very ancient Galloway family - indeed the most
ancient of whom we have any authentic records, and the head of the clan
lived at a bit they called Craigwaggie, in the Stewartry; and a nice bit it
was, and had been in the family for a very considerable time - a
considerable time before the flood, in fact, being assigned as the period at
which their aboriginal ancestor had acquired the pssession of it, if the
writings of that venerable family are to be credited; which there is no
reason to doubt, as the writers of all kinds of documents in ancient times
are now well known to have been exceedingly rigid in adhering to the truth,
especially when the facts they recorded happen to coincide with the
political, religious, or historical views of their discoverors. Craigwaggie
had therefore undoubtedly been the inheritance of this ancient family for
long before the flood, and had continued in their possession ever since, not
having been at any time possessed by members of the breed of Noah, seeing
that the McMuldroch's were not inlcuded in the number of those who perished
in the memorable catastrophe through which that individual obtained his
present celebrity; the McMuldroch's having accidently escaped the general
destruction in a very singular and providential manner. According to the
Craigwaggie writings the moon was not an attendant on this earth in the
early times of the fmaily, but was known only as a moderately sized star,
which was observed by star gazers of those days to be continually increasing
in dimensions, and at last got to be so big that it was suspected of being a
moveable body coming near and nearer to the ground. At last it stopped with
a sudden jerk as if it had struck against something, and then it began to go
round and round the sky as if it was going to make itself a sort of
subsidiary sun. Directly a long tail was seen to proceed from the side of
it, which gradually stretched itself out in the direction of the earth,
daily coming nearer and nearer, and by the time it reached the ground it was
accompanied by a terrific thunderstorm with wind and rain such as has not
been known before or since. This rain was believed to be the tail that
proceeded from the moon and it became so terribly heavy and persistant that
people thought it was never going to stop, and all the rivers and streams
overflowing their banks, sweeping off all kinds of agricultural produce
towards the ocean. At least the Craigwagge writings say so, though the
cause of the flood recorded there differs in some particulars from the
accounts given in the writings of Moses and in the lately discovered
Chaldean Chronicles; which might be expected, seeing that Moses lived
hundreds of years after and had only oral traditions to rely on, while the
Chaldean Chronicles are supposed by clerical critics to be some hundreds of
years later than Moses; and as they differ from him of comparatively little
value; so that the Craigwaggie version may, after all, be looked upon as
the most reliable account in existence, notwithstanding its want of
inspiration.
The great rain of that period had been falling for over three weeks
incessantly, and the Country was flooded far and near, and the water had
risen up to the very threshold of Craigwaggie, and was running into the
door, whgen the guidwife, who was only a few months married, cried out to
the McMuldroch of that period, that he had better come and help her shift
the meal-girnel, or the water would be spoiling the meal. Muldroch, for
that was his name, obeyed, and they tried to carry the girnel up the ladder
into the garret, but they couldn't manage it, as there was nearly a bowe
and a quarter of meal in it, and so it was too heavy. They had therefore to
half carry half drag it round to the back of the house, which, as usual in
those days, was built in an excavation in the side of a hill, and then set
it down, while the guidman would make a hole in the thatch big enough to put
it in at. While we was doing this the little orphan nephew that stopped
with them came running up to them crying that the house was full of water,
and the wife put him into the meal girnel to be out of the rain, and long
before the gudeman had the hole in the roof big enough the wife was glad to
spread an old plain over the meal and go into the girnel too, keeping the
lid about three parts shut, so that she could look out and order and
encourage her man. By the time he had a proper hole made in the thatch the
flood had increased considerably, and still kept rising in a wonderful
manner; and one of the first things he noticed when he looked through the
garret, was the cradle containing the orphan niece coming floating up at the
head of the ladder; and as the wean began to greet, he soon was obliged to
hand it in to the wife in the girnel as well. In a short time the water had
risen so high that he was it was no use to put the meal girnel into the
garret at all, for the floor there was already covered in water; and before
he noticed it the girnel was afloat beside him, and still the flood rose
higher and higher, and the rain poured down worse than ever. By good luck
the meal girnel had been well put together and was a very big one, and the
bottom was very close, so that it didn't leak; and as being provided with a
good lid, the wife and young ones were as comfortable in it as if they had
been in the house, and Muldroch, thinking the water was going to rise for
ever kept alongside, and guided it as it floated, so as to keep it close to
the land as the water drove him farther and farther up the hill. At last as
night came on, the very top of the hill was covered too, and there was
nothing for him but to lift the lod and of the girnel and slip in softly
himself, nearly capsizing the whole concern in doing so; but the meal in the
bottom acted as ballast, and as soon as he settled himself down it righted
again, and floated bravely; rather deep in the water to be sure, but quite
safe, and as tight as a bottle - only bottles hadn't been invented to
compare it to. It soon became dark, and after the first uncomfortable
feeling wore off, and they became accustomed to the novel position, they
shut the lid down nearly close, stretched themselves out on the top of the
meal, and the patt pattering of the rain over their heads soon lulled them to
sleep.
When they awoke next morning it was nearly midday and they lifted the lid a
little, and looked out cautiously to see where they were, and whether there
was any sign of the rain abating, but they found there was nothing in sight
but an insignificant little island beside them, with a ewe standing on it
baaing for dear life; and as the little boy took a greeting for the eye when
the girnel drifted against the little island, which they observed was
getting rapidly les, they put out their hands, and with some difficulty
managed to haul it in; and Muldroch by examining the niches on its lugs and
the brands on its cheeks, was able to tell who had been the owner, and that
the little island was no other than the top of Bengairn; a discovery which
filled him with great astonishment, and indiced the guidwife to imagine that
the water would rise till it reaches the moon, that new sun with the tail,
where she declared it had all come from; and so she sat lamenting among the
meal, and greeting for fear they would't be able to get down again, and she
might have been greeting long enough, only one of the weans began to greet
for hunger, and that brought her to her senses. She had nothing to give
them and didn't know what to do, but Muldroch was a man of action, and
invention was well, so he took off his shoe, and washing the inside of it,
lifted some water in it for there was no scarcity of that in those days, but
rather the other way; then he stirred up some meal in the heel of it, and
fed the weans with it, and then he made some more and offered it to the
wife, but being slightly inclined to gentility, even at that remote period,
she turned up her nose at it, and told her man that he might eat it if he
liked, but she would die first. Muldroch ate it up himself, and declared it
was grand, and then he fed the ewe, and before night the wife was devouring
it too, and looked as if she was glad to see the face of it. Muldroch thus
became the great original inventor of brose, which has continued under one
form or another to be general favourite ever since, thereby conferring an
inestimable blessing on his posterity, and on that of the patriarch Noah;
though with that base ingratitude which seems inherent in human nature
everywhere, neither the descendants of Noah, hor his own, have yet erected a
monument to his honour - the more shame for them.
For weeks and weeks they floated on the bosom of the waters, which seemed to
cover the highest mountain, but didn't reach quite up to the moon, although
it was a few thousand miles nearer than we have it now-a-days; and the
higher the waters rose outside the girnel, the lower the oatmeal became
inside; till at last, underain by what time they would reach the moon and
obtain a fresh supply of food, they were obliged to put themselves on
allowance; and Muldroch being a man of great ingenuity, he divised a plan
for saving the meal, as novel as it was effective; he kept the lid shut to
exclude the light, so that they could sleep two nights and a day at one
stretch and so cheat their stomachs and save the provender. Strange to say
posterity has not erected a monument for this invention either. One day
when they had the lid down for that purpose, the meal-girnel came a brainge
against something hard, and gave them a terrible fright, Muldroch thinking
they were going to be drowned by some ichthyosaurus, or kralem, or other
marine monster, and the guidwife declaring they had at last struck against
the moon, or that the moon had come a bit nearer still and struck against
them; but they were both wrong, for when they peered cautiously out from
under the lid, they saw that it was only another island, which on examining
a little Muldroch declared was the top of Sui, where he had been a boy
looking for young eagles; and they were also amazed to find that the rain,
which had gradually been abating for several days had now entirely stopped,
and that the sun was shining again and the moon was nowhere to be seen. As
might be expected they were glad to see the face of the earth again, and it
was not long till they were out of the girnel, and the whole of them, sheep
and all, were danging about among the heather to rag their legs a bit, and
making such diabolical spangs that if anybody had happened to have seen
them, they would undoubtedly have concluded that the whole fraternity of
them had been gyte; but, as luck would have it, there was nobody to observe
them, considering that everybody had been drowned; always of course except
Noah and his crew, who were still shut up in their vessell and nearly 4,000
miles off, so that their chance of their laughing at the Muldrochs was
mighty small; and the Chinese and other far away heathens, who out of pride
or presumption or something had separate floods of their own.
While they were capering about in this foolish manner, the meal-girnel,
lighted of its load, floated again, and was being washed away when just by
accident the wife spied it sailing along about 20 yeards off, and called her
man's attention to it. His consternation was dreadful, for if it was lost
and the waters rose again, there was nothing but drowning for them and he
never much liked for cold water, and less now than ever; besides all their
provisions was in the kist and if it was lost the sheep was all that was
left for them to live on and that could not keep them long. However, he
didn't stand long thinking about it, but being a good swimmer he jumped into
the water, and soon made upon it although the wind was driving it rapidly
away, and attempted to get into it, but in doing so he nearly cowped the
girnel, and the more he tried the more he couldn't get in; and he would have
sworn dreadfully, only he didn't know how, seeing that Englishmen didn't
exist at that period, and swearing was unknown in the district, till some
English soldiers introduced the science into Galloway in the troublous times
of the Persecution. Being therefore unable to get into the meal girnel on
account of his ignorance of the art of cursing he had to try the next best
thing; and so he got behind it and swimming along, pushed the kist before
him with his head in the direction of his affected ewe and family, and after
a desperate struggle he succeeded in getting himself and it to land again,
nearly exhausted, to the great relief of all the live inhabitants of that
part of the world. Having no rope and no stick to tether the meal girnel,
and dreading a repitition of this accident, the wife and he set to and
constructed a dyke of big stones all round the top of the hill close to the
water's edge, and dragging the girnel into the centre for safety they jumped
and capered about the place to their heart's content. So delighted were
they with the relief and enjoyment they derived from the exercise that in
their hours of merriment in after years it became customary to execute a
repetition of this wonderful dance, which in course of time degenerated into
a sort of religious or rather superstitious "Highland Fling". The dance of
joy was indulged in after Muldroch regained possession of the girnel, was
also perpetuated in the same manner, and has long been known over the length
and breadth of the land as "The Reel". Sad to tell, adgrateful posterity,
though enjoying the inestimable blessings provided for them in these
gymnastic devotions, have utterly failed to erect a monument to the immortal
Muldroch for them also. They dyke built by them round the top of the Suie,
was carefully preserved as a memorial by the Muldroch's for countless
generations; and though it has now passed into other hands having no
interest in preserving it or any other relics of antiquity, a considerable
portion of it is standing to the present day, attesting by its presence the
complete accuracy of the traditions and genealogies of the M'Muldroch's;
and proving by its very existence, that beyond a doubt its position and the
difficulty of transformation into the elegant dykes and pigsties into which
our Galloway lairds are so fond of constructing the various relics of
antiquity and the deserted castles of rival families when they manage to
get hold of them.
That night they went to sleep as usual in the meal girnel for fear of the
water rising again, and in the morning they were astonished to find that
ever so much of the country around them was sticking out of the flood, and
that they could see land on almost every side of them; so after they had
taken a good feed of brose, they set about to contrive how they could get
the kist afloat again, so that they might guide it along on the edge of the
waters, and by alternate sailing and pulling get it transported to
Craigwaggie, by the time the flood would have subsided sufficiently to leave
it dry. At last they contrived to twist a rope of heather, which fastened
to the hasp of the girnel, and putting the children inside again, they
pushed and pulled it down the hill till they were able to get it afloat, and
it was not too bad to get down, the ground was so wet and slippery. In due
time, they got down to the woods, where a pole was procured to work it along
with, and to moor it to at night, for they still slept in it, and in little
more than a week they arrived at Craigwagge, wondering very much where all
the water had gone to. They found they house very little the worse, only
the roof and the bits of duds, which were badly spoiled with being so long
wet, and the corn in the barn and granary, which had commenced to sprout,
for everything in the stackyard had floated away. They had no spoiled
potatoes however, at least none are mentioned in the records, but perhaps
on some account or other potatoes hadn't been invented then. As all the
cattle and horses were drowned, Muldroch had to invent a sort of spade he
called a sascrom, and he and the wife delved as much land as they could with
it and planted a good deal of the sprouted grain, which by good luck had
been put into sacks just before the big rain occurred or they wouldn't have
had any and they set to and ate the rest, for they had nothing else, and in
order to grind it they had to dry it, thereby inventing malt. Some of the
water they had boiled their sprouted corn in pappened on the occasion of the
wife lying in to be set away on a shelf in the butter-nap and forgotten for
a time, and when it was found it had such a strange appearance and sparkled
so much that they wouldn't tell what sort of stuff it was, and so they
tasted it and found it pleasant. They liked it so much and tasted it so
often, that on recollecting what it was they made more, for they had no cows
then; and so they used it instead of milk, thus becoming the inventors of
Yill, for which no monument has been erected for them either.
One wet day, when Muldroch had nothing else to do, he made some experiments
with it in an old kettle, and managing to condense some of the steam into a
limpid fluid of vivifying influence he thus became the mighty discoveror of
the secret of making whiskey, a name which he gave it on the supposition
that it was the Water of Life, a supposition since abundantly proved to be
erroneous. Though the undouted inventor of this famous organ of
intoxication, for which his countrymen have still such a mighty partiality,
strange to tell, no statue no obelisk, no monument to mark the admiration
and gratitude of the publicans of creation, has not even yet been erected to
commemorate this unparallelled effort of his genius. Nor is this the only
debt of gratitude due to him, for the whole British races, Picts, Scots
Albans, Kymore, and Britons originated from him and his progeny; while from
his ewe, which he saved from the summit of Bengairn, and which produced
three lambs immediately after the return to Craigwaggie, sprung the famous
Mug Sheep of Galloway, now nearly extinct, and the now better known Cheviot
while from the two cows and mare, which had escaped destruction by the flood
on the wonderful floating island of Loch Grennoch, which Muldroch found
settled down at the mouth of the Dee, the once famous Galloway ponies, and
the well-known Galloway cattle had their origin. A long account of this
great aqueous catastrophe is said to have been written by his son, and laid
up in the meal girnel, which was carefully preserved after that; and this
record is supposed to have existed till the 13th century when it and the
girnel were ruthlessly destroyed by Edward I of England, in order to
obliterate all authentic proof of the antiquity of the nation. However, a
new account was at once made out from memory and is preserved, with many
other equally authentic manuscripts in the family to the present day. In
witness of which the M'Muldroch's still carry for arms, in memory of this
great exploit of their ancestor - AZURE, a Meal-girnel, GULES, - for it had
been painted red - and one a chief, VERT, three mug-sheep-heads, proper.
SINESTER, a Galloway bull, sable, Mottoe, per aqua vitae, And there endeth
the first chapter.
